Unexplainable Rage Hits at 18
August 18, 2007
It was at the age of 18, the summer before I went off to college that I began to experience an unexplainable rage that was constantly seething through my body. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Most of the time up until that point I could realistically know what was getting underneath my skin. This, however was different. For a number of years I would throw things across rooms, scream in hardcore bands and in general hang out with other friends my age that felt that our terrible suburban upbringing was to blame for our problems.
This was way different. The last few months had been somewhat boring but in general fine. I was hanging out, jobless and happy about it. Now I was walkign around wondering what the fuck was happening to me. I was enraged but about nothing in particular. My body felt hot inside, my arms a bit like weights, too heavy for themselves. Then a few weeks into it I had a flashback. It was quick, sudden but incredibly vivid.
The amount of information I just downloaded in my mind brought up a huge amount of confusion. At the age of nine I was sexually approached by a good family friend while my mother and his wife had gone out shopping at the market.
I remember three or fours scenes quickly playing out in my mind. All of a sudden the rage made perfect sense but again it didn’t at all. Why was I remembering this now? What made this come to the surface?
My mind was spinning about it all. I had spent time at this man’s house, someone I considered a part of our extended family since I was a little kid. Why did he do this? What’s going on?
All I knew was that I had opened the lid on something that had been closed tight for years. I would later learn that I did this a a survival tactic. I had gone int shock during the experience. My body shut itself down in order to handle the trauma but it was very much a part of my cellular memory.
It would be another ten years before I dealt with the full extent of this memory. And there were more where that came from. Unfortunately, a lot more.
