Why Regression Work Works

I have been doing different forms of regression work the last few years in order to heal the layers of trauma that are held in my body. Our mind is capable of tracking every single thing that happens in our lives, from the mundane to the super charged. From tasting sushi for the first time to crossing the same street you do every day to go to work. Our body is part of this process. Western culture creates a huge disconnect between the brain and the body. When I say “mind” I am speaking of both the self and collective conscious as we also pick up on the signals of others surrounding us in our immediate environment.

Being able to tap into the energy between yourself and another can be heightened or lowered depending on your childhood and family system. For example, I always had to be “on guard” in order to know how to protect myself. This was one of my survival skills but something that developed out of it was a heavy sense of armor around myself especially in my chest. There have been many therapy sessions where I have felt as though an anvil were sitting on my chest. I have had to breathe into this sensation, allowing it to communicate to me what was necessary in order to transform it. Of course, one session does not equal actualization of complete transformation. It is a process and one that needs to be done slowly and with care, trust and patience. I’m not a very patient person so this can be a difficulty for me.

Another way of translating the experience of always having to be “on guard” is called hyper vigilance. Similar to how prey stay aware of predators, the feeling in the body is one of consistent attention and adrenaline overdose; the fight, flight or freeze response on at all times. In the wilderness animals have times that they are not in this state and times when they absolutely need to be. However if you live in a household where abuse occurs more often than not and there is no particular pattern to when it will arise, this can be an ongoing state that becomes second nature evening its exhaustive tolls on the many systems of the body but especially the nervous system.

I know these feeling well from doing regression work. Participating in this can take many forms from simply going over the last week’s events, to childhood memory blocks as well as past life regressions. Oh oh, I didn’t just loose you there did I? It might be triggering enough to read the majority of this blog but I would like to make a brief disclaimer here:

Although I have done a lot of past life work I do not hold to any particular belief system regarding it. Many religions and life paths do not incorporate it and therefore it can be thrown into the bin of being occult, new agey, looney, what have you. Being brought up Roman Catholic and on the east coast has given me a thorough training in being skeptical of charlatans and cults (which I will go into detail in other parts of the blog, don’t worry). Look at it this way. When we are children, our imaginations are unlimited playgrounds in which we explore vast lands and tales that we create out of our experiences. Many children have imaginary friends for a number of years that help them with their own sense of identity. Past life work can also be viewed as a way for your mind to go back to that innocent sense of exploration, by being led into a story of yourself to heal a wound. As in most fairytales, the protagonist must go through some sense of heartbreak, loss or confrontation in order to triumph and achieve. Through this journey, the protagonist heals by persevering in what he knows to be right.

Regression work in whatever form is an opportunity to return to both uncomfortable as well as powerful moments to heal, gain strength and let go of and/or incorporate the past’s lessons. When I have done this work I usually sit comfortably while my therapist leads me through a relaxation exercise. I then begin to feel into my body and breath, following the impulses, sensing the areas of discomfort. As I start to focus on a particular area of my body a memory may arise, or it just may be a stronger sensation. I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed but I just keep with it, knowing I have a trusted witness helping me with the process. As I let myself speak about the memory, my therapist guides me slowly to find out details, to follow certain points that need clarity, to purely allow and know that I am safe and no longer in that situation, that I am now an outside observer.

My “little boy” did not get the care and nurturing he needed in many ways and now I have an opportunity to help heal that part of myself. To, as an adult, let that part of myself know he can trust, he can play, he can know that I am taking care of him.

In a time when there is much talk about the present moment, staying with what is, etc. it is important to recognize that what arises when you stay present is information that is important. Letting go doesn’t just happen, although it can but mostly that is pure wishing. Many people who use staying in the present moment can use it as an excuse to not feel pain, to stay in a state of denial and conditioned contentment that is sullied with guilt and shame. This is why so many New Age books that have no pages on dealing emotions fly off the shelves. I am not saying that we need to trudge through the past either. There is a balance. True healing also incorporates the joy of living, of being with those you love and cherish and doing work you believe in. However there are many traps we can fall in when we are acting from a place of trauma and one of those is escaping.

Feeling unidentifiable pain is something we would all like to avoid but it is in this allowing that we hold the hand of our former self as a child and assure them that this too will pass. Staying present and healing the past are not separate frameworks but rather an interweaved fabric that creates a warm blanket for us to rest under.

Choosing a Therapist

I have had a few different therapists since childhood. Personally I work well with people who have a somatic (or body-based) approach. One that incorporates feeling into the cellular and kinesthetic memories that get stored from trauma and everyday living. It’s really a personal choice. All theraphy involves talking but there is some that is completely based on just dialogue which I find cyclical. I would also veer away from analysts and shrinks. Psychiatrists prescribe SSRIs, better known as anti-depressants, which I know can be helpful to people. Unfortunately I feel that they cause the trauma to get iced over, smothered or numbed out. They are “inhibitors” after all which can be extremely useful if a person has a chemical imbalance or cannot function day-to-day.

I personally have used alternative herbs and formulas that do not have the side effects of chemical drugs nor the reliance factor. One is St. John’s Wort which can sometimes take two-three weeks to kick into the system. It didn’t work for me. I recently tried 5-HTP and it was amazing. The effect was almost immediate. It just caused me to feel lighter and lifted the fog of my depression. I have a tendency to have overwhelming and debilitating depressive episodes. Working on core issues can bring these emotional episodes to the surface.

This is why choosing the appropriate therapist is important. You need to like the person. Just as you would want to trust a financial advisor who assists you with you assets, you want to ensure that your therapist can be trusted with your emotions and abuse history. Referrals from people you know are the best resource, but you can also do some research online about different forms of therapy and see which one resonates with you. Call universities and schools that specialize in psychology.

When calling a therapist it is your right to interview them about their background and credentials. Some good questions include:

Have you worked with (type of abuse) before?

How long have you been in practice and do you have any references I can call?

How much do you charge and do you take insurance?

What kind of success have you had in working with (type of trauma)?

Finding the right therapist can be daunting at first and I have come to points where I thought I couldn’t find the right one. Mainly this was from bad experiences. When you have a bad experience with a therapist it can bring up all the issues you are going to the therapist for in the first place. That’s why taking the time to interview and having an initial session with no commitment to a series of appointments is worth the effort. It is also the responsibility of the therapist to notice if the relationship with the client is going to have a negative effect in the long run. A trained, ethical therapist will then make recommendations that they believe will be better suited to the client’s well being.

As well, in terms of doing somatic work it is important that you feel comfortable being touched by you therapist. Being able to receive touch from a neutral place is key in affirming a positive relationship to healing sexual or physical abuse. One of the best questions I ask myself in trusting anyone with my process is based in one of the key survival strategies I learned. By disassociating I would leave my body temporarily to deal with the situation. When you are doing core work on trauma it is common to have this “checked out” experience. However if you already know what this feeling is like (it is akin to being stoned) you can ask whether you would be able to trust the person your with or whether you would be in a non-trusting or paranoid state. Keep in mind that building a relationship with a therapist takes time but as you heal and your intuition or gut reaction becomes stronger, using this little test can be helpful.

Therapy can be made out to be weak, the last call, only for crazy people but as we have learned over the last 40 years, it is becoming more of a necessary tool to assist anyone through stress and anxiety. Trauma, especially sexual, mental and physical abuse are not light topics. These dysfunctional systems can be transformed and with the right support system it can be a beautiful and heart-opening experience.

 

Safety and Pornography

I’ve been looking at pornography since I was 13. Every one and a while I would go out and rent a movie or buy a magazine. Seemed normal enough at the time. Then I discovered the vastness of the internet and how much of it was free and my time usage went up dramatically.

I have used porn as a way to relieve stress, to cope with intense circumstances in my life or out of complete boredom. Growing up Catholic porn was more than frowned upon. When I left the church at 14 shortly before the time I would have made my confirmation, I masturbated with glee. When you are feed lines like “You should never touch yourself” with a finger pointed at you, the beginnings of private exploration become nothing but shame layered with guilt. A pretty mess. 

I do not see anything inherently wrong with looking at porn. There are many arguments that could go the other way of course but the point here is not to get into the wide range effects of the porn industry. It is to state the fact that I look at it compulsively. I will sometimes spend three hours out a given day going through a wide range of pictures and movie clips, looking for the perfect series, the best angle to get off to. It gets to the point where it is not about sex. In fact most of the time it’s not. Mostly the drive to look at porn, I discovered recently, is a way of retaliating against the people who abused me sexually as a child.

With porn I am in complete control. I’m not under the thumb of anyone. If I don’t like the woman I’m looking at, I can close the window. If I get bored with what I’m looking at, same thing. If I want to see a certain position, a submissive angle, hear a suggestive moan I can go through my bookmarks and find it easily. However these ongoing scenarios that I create for myself don’t last. I don’t usually feel satisfied after coming. In fact I either crave more porn, feel intense shame or feel like I’ve wasted a good amount of time I could have used creating something useful. 

The fact of the matter is that even though I know intellectually that this use of porn isn’t serving me, my body disagrees. It has become a major coping mechanism, a survival strategy, that provides this very comfort: it’s safe. I don’t have to interact, I can act out as much as I want, I don’t have to be responsible for my feelings, I can get off and not wonder if my partner is as well.

Many people who have experienced sexual abuse as children find coping mechanisms as adults that become crutches that keep the person handicapped. Alcoholism, drug abuse, promiscuity and over-use of pornography are just a few. It makes sense. Disassociating from the overly intense feelings that are tied into the trauma keeps it from taking over, spinning out of control, but by the very indulgence of these methods the trauma gets re-triggered over and over either subtly or intensely. 

One of the biggest hurdles for me in my healing process is trying to stay with the urge to look at porn. To go past my comfort level of sitting with the very feeling of need. I have sat there breathing, feeling my arms rise as though I am at the desk mouse under my hand ready to search. My body has the impulse. I allow the feeling to arise, the sensation that if I don’t look, something bad will happen, I will feel even more overwhelmed than I do at the moment. I stay with it. It gets overbearing. I go to computer and begin to look. I pause for a moment and turn away. I really did stay with the feeling for a while today. I didn’t stop myself from looking but I did get a major insight. The impulse and rise of these intense trigger-states can come up to the surface and I can hang with them even if I indulge.

Healing isn’t always about cutting away, killing the craving. It’s about riding out the experience and not coming down on yourself for where you are at in your process. I know I want to have a stronger sexual connection with my partner, that I want to cut down on my use of porn if all together. I take a breath and feel into the experience and let all of the confusion of swirling emotions be in the space with me. I give up the need to control, to instantly gratify my compulsive tendency and in this I slowly accept that it’s ok.

 

Unexplainable Rage Hits at 18

It was at the age of 18, the summer before I went off to college that I began to experience an unexplainable rage that was constantly seething through my body. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Most of the time up until that point I could realistically know what was getting underneath my skin. This, however was different. For a number of years I would throw things across rooms, scream in hardcore bands and in general hang out with other friends my age that felt that our terrible suburban upbringing was to blame for our problems.

This was way different. The last few months had been somewhat boring but in general fine. I was hanging out, jobless and happy about it. Now I was walkign around wondering what the fuck was happening to me. I was enraged but about nothing in particular. My body felt hot inside, my arms a bit like weights, too heavy for themselves. Then a few weeks into it I had a flashback. It was quick, sudden but incredibly vivid.

The amount of information I just downloaded in my mind brought up a huge amount of confusion. At the age of nine I was sexually approached by a good family friend while my mother and his wife had gone out shopping at the market.

I remember three or fours scenes quickly playing out in my mind. All of a sudden the rage made perfect sense but again it didn’t at all. Why was I remembering this now? What made this come to the surface?

My mind was spinning about it all. I had spent time at this man’s house, someone I considered a part of our extended family since I was a little kid. Why did he do this? What’s going on?

All I knew was that I had opened the lid on something that had been closed tight for years. I would later learn that I did this a a survival tactic. I had gone int shock during the experience. My body shut itself down in order to handle the trauma but it was very much a part of my cellular memory.

It would be another ten years before I dealt with the full extent of this memory. And there were more where that came from. Unfortunately, a lot more.